Many Unitarians speak of that awkward moment
when they are asked by a NUH… that’s N.U.H…
or Non-Unitarian Human… when we are asked
“So what is a Unitarian anyway.”
There’s only one question that I have found to be more confounding…
“So, why do you guys have a men’s group?”
My answer is usually the same for both questions, depending on my mood:
a) None of your business!
The Canadian Unitarian Council has asked me to stop responding this way.
b) Hey, look at that! A violent two-headed squirrel.
The Canadian Squirrel Council has asked me to stop responding this way.
or C) We’re a group of people getting together
to support one-another in our personal and spiritual journeys
and to inspire one another.
Why did I go to that first men’s retreat? What did I hope to encounter?
As a Unitarian, I was seeking a soul to my religion,
and I found it in smaller groups.
When I heard about the MEN’S retreat, I realized
“That’s a pretty low bar for entry! I can do that!”
And coming from a Catholic, and then liberal Christian tradition,
I remember retreats were always times
of growth and connection for me.
The first retreat didn’t work out so well for me.
There were a few reasons,
not the least of which was bunking in the same cabin
with a man who snored like a chainsaw
having an argument with a angry grizzly
trying to get out of a deep sea diving suit.
Luckily I was convinced to try it again,
So I returned a couple of years later,
and had a wonderful time in great, natural surroundings,
conversing with wise and struggling men…
about topics deep and trite
in private conversations and public forums
I found it to be a chance for men to be both “more man” without judgement
and to take a vacation from typical male roles.
As somebody who hadn’t spent much time contemplating “being a man”,
except to understand that I was a man and didn’t want to be otherwise,
it was a chance for me to learn more about what it means to be a man
We take a break from reacting to life, and consciously consider our paths.
We look at our heroes and villains, and our mentors and pupils.
What is our place in the world, in our community and our families?
This couldn’t work with just any group of guys;
Unitarian principles mean we all start from a safe place
of dignity, respect, interdependence, community,
compassion, growth and meaning.
“Oh boy… I think I feel a man hug coming on…”
Well, it COULD happen if that’s what you were seeking.
“So, like, do you guys play drums?”
Well yeah, but…
“And do you, like, sit around and talk about sex?”
Well, we’re guys…
“And what else, do you, like, chop wood, polar bear dip,
sing sea shanties, have meaningless competitions,
and roast hot-dogs over an open fire?”
No… we have MEANINGFUL competitions.
In a nutshell, the Unitarian men’s retreat is everything I feared it would be
and everything I wanted it to be.
I can feel a little bit on the edge of the bigger group,
because of a few things that makes me different
from the majority of men at the retreat.
Not the least of which is my Tourettes
which has me calling everybody in a room “monkeys”
when they clearly are much more intelligent primates.
But in the retreat, I was able to just be
and have those cool moments of connection with somebody familiar or new.
Because at the retreat, in the end, that’s all there is.
Because in life, up until the end, that’s what really matters.
And you know when you have an awesome experience,
you want to take it home with you!
A couple of years ago, a group of us decided to do that! And we formed a men’s group.
I know it’s been said aloud by me and at least one other member of “Momentuum”,
That’s Mo-MEN-tum, but with an umlaut over the second “u”!
It’s been said that when we met outside by the fire place
to learn more about forming a men’s group,
I was really happy to see who was there.
I now meet with a group of guys, from their mid-20s to their mid-60s,
some with kids, some not
some with partners, some not
some who are teachers and… well…
we’ve discovered just about all of us teach in some way or other.
But I’ve come to cherish the time with each one.
And I feel left out when they help one of the guys move,
and because of my trick back, I can’t even pick up a cold.
I think it’s a tribe thing.
I’ve got their back, so to speak, and they’ve got mine.
I want each of them to succeed.
I want each of them to be happy.
I want each of them to live their spark.
And it doesn’t really matter what success, happiness or spark is for them.
It’s theirs, and I can encourage them, be sad with them, or celebrate with each of them.
The group helps me balance and focus and regroup.
The group helps me work through things and celebrate victories.
The group has no expectations of me except respect.
I can bring my real self to the group, and it’s okay.
I feel rooted and grounded and comfortable there.
I feel connected to the men, I feel connected to the church, and I feel connected to life.
Three years ago, I went out into the woods.
I met a bunch of strangers, and we opened up to one-another
Some of these friendly guys have invested some effort and become friends.
I meet my friends a couple of times a month as a group, and we’re becoming brothers.
I trust them. I know that they’ve got my back.
I know they’re thinking good thoughts about me
and saying good thing about me
and that they wish me the best.
That’s a pretty special thing.
And they all know that they can trust me.
That I’ve got their back.
That I’m thinking good thought about them
and saying good things about them
and I wish them the best.
Those who are close to me will recognize my little
“I trust you and you can trust me” speech.
It’s how I know I love somebody.
And the guys in the men’s group
have had to put up with me saying it a couple of times.
And for me, I think that one powerful word sums up why I’m in a men’s group.
Danny Enright
